# Tell me a joke!



## alym (Apr 21, 2010)

I am on a few other forums that often have a funny joke/video/whatever section.

I suggest we create such a section where people could share stuff that made them chuckle.

To start:

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo' Drizzle.


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## Aquaman (Apr 21, 2010)

why don't Cannibal's eat Clowns ?













Because they taste FUNNY !!


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## jkcichlid (Apr 21, 2010)

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.






On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without Send extra sauce"


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## effox (Apr 21, 2010)

A bear and a rabbit were *pooping* in the woods, when it started to rain. The bear turns around and asks the rabbit:

"Say, Mr Rabbit, does *poop* stick to your fur?"

The Rabbit was very proud of his plush white hairy bits, so naturally he replied: "Why, Mr Bear, of course not."

So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his *butt* with it.


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## Aquaman (Apr 21, 2010)

^^^^ LOL ..YOU need help ...Poor little Rabbit .....


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## target (Apr 21, 2010)

A flea walks into a bar, hops up on the counter and asks for a beer.

Bartender says 'we don't serve fleas here'.

Flea says 'Just give me a beer'

Bartender: 'How are you going to drink it? Your a flea!'

But gives him the beer, the flea chugs it down, asks for another. Bartender gives it to him and he chugs the second one down, asks for another.

Bartender: 'No, no more. We don;t derve fleas here. Time for you to go.

Flea: "Well, give me a case for the road.'

Bartender: 'How are you going to carry it?'

Flea: 'Just put it on my back'

bartender does, and the flea gets up and starts walking to the end of the bar, case of beer balanced on his back. He jumps off the edge of the bar and the case of beer shatters on the ground.

Bartender: 'Are you alright?'

Flea: 'yeah, I'm fine, but call the cops'

Bartender: 'Why?'

Flea: 'Someone stole my dog.'


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## tony1928 (Apr 22, 2010)

Two Irishmen walk past a bar...


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## effox (Apr 21, 2010)

tony1928 said:


> Two Irishmen walk past a bar...


As an Irishman I take no offense to this.


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## tony1928 (Apr 22, 2010)

Hahaha....I'm glad. Somebody told this joke at a poker game in a casino and nobody except me and this other guy laughed. We had to explain it to them, twice.



effox said:


> As an Irishman I take no offense to this.


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## Tracers (Apr 21, 2010)

Mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink

Bartender says "sorry, we don't serve your kind here."

Mushroom says "why not? Im a fun-gi!!"


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## BostonBob (Apr 24, 2010)

Hmmm......I'll have to limit myself to only clean jokes. 20 years of bartending has given me oppurtunity to hear about a thousand " man walks into a bar " jokes so here are a couple of my favourites:

# 1 - a man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of Jack Daniels. As soon as the bartender finishes pouring the shots the man downs them all quickly. Give me 10 more he says to the bartender. As the bartender finishes up pouring the shots he says to the guy: hey buddy - you better slow down a bit. The man says: screw that - you'd drink them quick too if you had what I have. He then proceeds to down the 10 shots of JD. The bartender gives him a sympathetic look and says: Gee bud - what do you have ???? The man replies: about 5 bucks.

# 2 - a man walks into a bar...............................and the dumb bugger nearly breaks his nose.

# 3 - a bartender is wiping down his bar one night. Suddenly he looks up and standing right in front of his bar he sees a farmer's daughter, a pair of siamese twins, a talking dog, a virgin, a priest and the President of the United States. He looks at them and asks: what is this - a joke ????

# 4 - *WARNING: If you are Jewish it might be best to skip over this one.*

Hitler and a friend walk into a bar and Hitler waves the bartender over. He says: give me 2 shots of your best cognac. Heck - pour yourself one too. So the bartender pours out 3 glasses and they all down the cognac. Hitler immediately orders another round of drinks. The bartender says to Hitler: I don't want to seem nosy but it looks like you're celebrating something tonight. Hitler smiles and says: you're right. Tomorrow I'm going to kill 10,000 Jews and 5 musicians. The bartender looks puzzled and says: 5 musicians ??? Why the hell are you going to kill 5 musicians ??? Hitler then turns to his friend and says: see - nobody cares about the Jews.


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## Tracers (Apr 21, 2010)

OHHHHH!! lol that #4 is baaaad....

I heard this one on the roast of hasselhoff...

"your liver is so shrunken, black & dead, if you put your ear up to it you can hear it say "What you talkin' 'bout Willis?"


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## BostonBob (Apr 24, 2010)

OK - now for a few non-bartender jokes:

# 1 - A man pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local Shopping Mall and rolled down the car windows to make sure his puppy had plenty of fresh air.
The pup was stretched full-out on the back seat and he wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. So the man walked to the curb backward, pointing his finger at the car and saying emphatically, " Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay girl! Stay! "
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave the man a strange look and said, " Why don't you just put it in park ? "




# 2 - A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune.....Frank, the Wal-mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.



# 3 - An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points. " 
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that ? "
The old man replied, " its fart football. " 
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says " Touchdown, tie score. " 
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, " Aha. I'm now ahead 14 to 7. " 
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, " Touchdown, tie score. " 
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, " Field goal, I lead 17 to 14. "
Now the pressure is on the old man. He simply refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed. 
The wife says, " What the heck was that? "
The old man says, " Half time, switch sides. "



# 4 - A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, " I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away. "
The distressed woman wailed, " Are you sure? "
" Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead, " replied the vet.
" How can you be so sure? " she protested.. " I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something. "
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, " I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck. "
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. " $150! " she cried, " $150 just to tell me my duck is dead! "
The vet shrugged, " I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150. "



# 5 - A photographer from the US on vacation was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read " $10,000 per call ". 
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
" O.K., thank you, " said the American.
He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York.
In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same " $10,000 per call " sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel up to Canada to see if Canadians had the same phone.
He arrived in Canada, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read " 50 cents per call " . 
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. " Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here? " 
The priest smiled and answered, " You're in Canada now, son ... it's a local call. " 




# 6 - A trucker is driving down the road in rural BC and spots two guys wearing Toronto Maple Leaf jerseys walking on the side of the road. He swerves at the last second intentionally and hits them both. One goes flying into someone's front yard and the other comes flying in through his windshield and lands in the passenger seat. A cop witnesses what happens and pulls him over. 
" You realize that I saw you hit those two guys "
" Yeah I know, I guess you'll need to make an arrest right? "
" You bet, I'll charge one for trespassing and one for breaking and entering! "



# 7 - How Many BC Aquaria Forum Users Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb ????? 
- 1 to change the bulb
- 1 to post and announce that the bulb was changed
- 14 to share similar experiences and to show new ways to change light bulbs
- 7 to warn of dangers arising from changing light bulbs
- 27 to correct grammatical errors that appeared in posts about changing light bulbs
- 53 to make fun of those who corrected the grammar mistakes
- 2 professionals to specify that the term is incorrect, it should be called a " lamp "
- 15 who allegedly worked in the field and the word " light bulb " is as correct as " lamp "
- 49 who say that the forum is not about light bulbs and the discussion should be moved to a forum about light bulbs
- 71 who say that as long as all use light bulbs, the discussion is useful on the forum
- 36 to discuss which are the best ways to change the light bulbs, which are best, where you can buy and how much they cost.
- 27 to post links to sites where they can see various models of light bulbs
- 14 to say that the links are incorrect and post the correct ones
- 33 to quote what was posted up in the thread and answer each one with " ME TOO "
- 6 to correct users and push them to use the forum search function
- 12 to post to the forum they finally quit because of divergences on the subject about light bulbs
- 23 to say " search on Google first and if you can not find anything about light bulbs then ask on the forum "
- 16 posts where two members discuss something totally different than the subject at hand
- 24 posts that are indications to use private messaging or e-mail
- 1 moderator to warn that if this does not stop he will close the topic
- 1 new member of the Forum responds 6 months after the last post and all starts again from the beginning


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## VinnyD (Apr 21, 2010)

dunno if this will offend..but yah..sorry if it does

A man walks into the local ice cream parlor and tells the attendant he wants a gallon of vanilla, a gallon of strawberry and a gallon of chocolate ice cream.

"Sorry" says the attendant, "we're all out of chocolate ice cream."

"In that case" says the man, "I'll have a pint of vanilla, a pint of strawberry and a pint of chocolate."

"I told you we don't have any chocolate ice cream, buddy" says the attendant, becoming slightly annoyed.

"OK, in that case" says the man, "I'll have a scoop of vanilla, a scoop of strawberry and a scoop of chocolate."

"Look, mister, what does the V-A-N in vanilla spell?"

"Van" he replies, "But what does that have to do with ice cream?"

"Never mind, what does the S-T-R-A-W in strawberry spell?"

"Straw" he answers, "But I still don't understand what this has got to do with my getting the ice cream I want?"

"What does the F-U-C-K in chocolate spell?" asks the attendant.

"Wait a minute" says the man, "there's no f**k in chocolate!"

"That's what I've been trying to tell you, now get out of my store."


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## VinnyD (Apr 21, 2010)

i found this one a while ago...

The UN finally settled on a peace plan acceptable to the French, Germans, and Russians. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight! They had each side breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be the security council certified victor. 

Saddam found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and genetically altered strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk, and mustard gas, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5" thick and nobody could get near it. 

When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9-foot-long Dachshund with a fat tail. Everyone but the French felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Saddam's dog. 

When the cages were opened, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards Saddam's dog. Saddam's dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the infidel American wiener --but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Saddam's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all! The French were apoplectic! 

Saddam came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves." 

That's nothing," said Bush. "We had all of Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working overtime to make that ol'alligator look like a weenie dog."


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